Over the past months of separation and somewhat isolation I have grown to love a place called Barnes & Noble. I'm obviously not the only one who loves this place. It is pretty much the place to be and is always filled w/ folks from all walks of life. My main reasons for spending so much time here is my new found love of reading and all things literary and my adversion of being "lonely." Now, I spend hours here and never talk to anyone, but being alone and feeling lonely are very different things.
One of my favorite things to do here besides napping, writting, reading and listening to music is people watching. Yes, I am a voyer of sorts. Given my present marital situation, I am extremely interested in watching how couples interact in a place like this. I obviously know how couples act in bars or at rock concerts or under the influence of some substance, but in a book store??? What I have found is that love is shown, communicated and expressed in so many ways that don't require, demand or expect the utterance of a single, solitary word. I have sat in the deep comfortable chairs next to women or men who are reading while their significant other is meandering around the bookstore. Ever so often they will ease up and stand behind the chair and stand there in silence to see if the other is ready to go. There might be a nudge, a smile, a glance or even a brief word to gage the other. Many times they will be sent back out to meander a bit longer. I have never seen or heard a conflict between these couples. It is uncanny and amazing to me. Envy is not the word to use here, but a longing would be more appropriate. I would like to enjoy such a relationship w/ Mary Bennet one day.
I could spend hours here alone. I could spend years here w/ her. The pinnacle will be when we too can share what I witnessed tonight. A coulple had just finished w/ a crock pot dinner of vegtables and pork loin that filled and satisfied them. They then wound up in the chairs across from me sharing a coffe and a piece of chocolate cheese cake. Each one would fork a bit up and hand the fork to the other. They sat in silence and read their own different books, but you could tell that they were "together" as one flesh. She got up and went to find another book and leaned over and kissed him not once, but three times. It made my heart skip a beat.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Drummer At The Tipi
Several months ago my brother, Joel, starred in the lead role of Tevye in a production of "Fiddler on the Roof." I had never seen the play or movie and didn't know the story. I sat on the front row and watched as a very talented and committed cast told a story of crushing intolerance on the heals of the winds of change. Ironically, I was in the midst of the greatest storm I have yet to endure. Faith, love, commitment, tolerance all played major rolls in both stories. It touched me very deeply and I will never forget that night.
A few weeks ago I came across the DVD of the movie made back in the '70s. I bought it and to my surprise my children like it. I don't have cable or even a set of rabbit ears in my apartment so we tend to watch a few movies over and over. School of Rock has spun a million revolutions. Harry Potter is a favorite. They bought me The Goonies for Valentine's Day and now we can add Fiddler.
Well, tonight Little Mary Bennet put it in and started it in the middle somewhere. We watched it all the way to the end and I think that was the first time she had seen the ending. The two saddest scenes to me are at the train shack when Hodel and her father await the train to take her to Siberia. The other is out in the field when Chava finds him after she has eloped and he remembers when she was young. This isn't the point of my ramble, but I write it because I cried during both of those scenes in front of my precious daughter and hugged her neck. I don't want to forget that. She will one day grow up and make her own choices and I hope I have prepared her for what's out there and that she knows w/ out a doubt that her Daddy loves her beyond measure.
The point and thus the explanation for the title of this post comes from the last scenes off the movie when all the Jews are being forced from their homes and driven from the land of their ancestors. Little Mary Bennet couldn't understand what was going on or why. I explained to her how throughout history people who were different have been persecuted against and forced from their homes. I mentioned the Trail of Tears and Mary Bennet knew a lot about that and it even knew how many people died on that trail. As we finished talking about that the very last scene of the movie was playing when the fiddler was on the road all alone and Tevye looked back and motioned him to come along. That gave me the title Drummer At The Tipi ...
It is so great to me that neither of my children have a prejudice bone in their body. Big Mary Bennet often says that both of them are "color blind." I like that and can only hope it remains. I love them both so much and want them to always lo
ve others as well.
ve others as well.Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Introduction
I have no idea what I am doing here, but I started this because I would prefer to type than write a bunch in a book or journal. The next time I see Mrs. Tate I am going to hug her neck for teaching me the home keys! 32 GWAM may not have made me a great student on those old IBM machines, but knowing the home keys has become truly priceless. Who would have ever known that the most informative class in all of high school was typing???
The other reason I decided to start writing here is because no matter where I am in the world as long as there is an Internet connection I will have my journal at the tip of my fingers ... literally.
I have no plan as to what I might write, how I might write it or if it will even be chronological. I am OCD so I think I would tend to a chronological, diary type format. The problem is that for it to be truly in life order then there would have to be a beginning. Well, the obvious beginning would be 24 October 1968, but I am not going to be like Chunk in the movie the Goonies and go back and tell every little naughty thing I've done. I'm not saying a few of these details won't come out here and there, but they will be completely random.
I'll conclude this introduction by at least giving a brief description of the title of my blog "A Journey from Samson to Silas."
I have attempted to grow my hair long, long, long 3 times in my adult life. The first time was in 1993 after I had been medically discharged from the Navy. Watching the dream that I had for 10 years fall apart was a low point. My life no longer had direction so I withdrew into internal rebellion. Long hair is commonly an outward way of expression rebellion. I think I grew it for about 10 months before cutting it off. Mary Bennet didn't like it. She and my move to Macon were the main reasons for cutting it back.
The second time the hair began to grow was in 2004 when my business was at its zenith and so was my arrogance and boastfulness. So vain and foolish was I, but many people complemented me on such a fine "flow" of hair. 10 months or so was again the time frame before I had it cut. Mary Bennet couldn't stand it! She was the only reason it came off.
The most recent attempt at long hair started in May 2008. Rebellion was once again the motive. The wheels were coming off and my life was falling apart. My self-confidence was extremely low and I was obviously searching , stretching more appropriately, for something to raise it. It was at this same time that I began to completely withdraw into myself and begin an all out sprint to self-destruction. I knew Mary Bennet would again not like my hair long and this time I didn't care.
Well, the past 10 months or so have resulted in my life coming to the bring of utter destruction (including my marriage) followed by spiritual transformation and the beginnings of restoration as the result of intense suffering. I don't think I could have made it through this time of suffering without the help of other brothers and sisters in Christ. God can do all things, and I believe His favorite and most loved tools are the ones He created in His own image ... there is no "I" or "me" in Jesus, only "US!" As this has become evident I realized that in the past I have either wanted to do everything by myself or as a last resort only cried out for God to help in extreme situations. He has obviously carried me along and tolerated my arrogance and defiance for a purpose. I believe He is revealing to me the extreme importance that He places on brotherhood.
A friend recently suggested I read a book by Nate Larkin entitled "Samson and the Pirate Monks." It is a story of Nate and other men's struggles with coming to the same conclusion that true and authentic brotherhood is the key to surviving as a Christian in this fallen world. The story of Samson that I tell my 5 - 6 year old Sunday Schoo class is one of a strong and mighty judge that delivered the people of the Lord from their enemies. In reality, the story of Samson is one of extreme tragedy, but a story all too often paralleled by men of today. Samson was very arrogant and prideful. Samson had an extremely bad problem with women. Samson was a loner. In the bible it is recorded that Samson only spoke to God on two occasions. In Judges 15:18 it states that he "cried out to the Lord" because he was thirsty. I scarcely call this a prayer, but he was asking God to help him. Only on one other occasion does the bible state he spoke to God and that was at the very end in Judges 16:28 when it is written, Then Samson prayed to the Lord, “Sovereign Lord, remember me again. O God, please strengthen me just one more time." Ironically, the verse preceding his final plea was the ONLY recorded instance that Samson ever asked anyone on this earth for help. Samson said to the young servant who was leading him by the hand, “Place my hands against the pillars that hold up the temple. I want to rest against them.”
I no longer want to be like Samson. I am weary of feeling isolated and alone. I want to pray to God continually and seek out companionship and brotherhood with fellow Christians. As Nate Larkin describes in his book, I want to find a Silas to walk with me and I want to be a Silas to walk with someone else. Together we will share in the glory of the Lord that exists in and around all sufferings.
So, that is why I have entitled this blog "A Journey from Samson to Silas." It is a journey that began in the ruins of a failed attempt at life alone and apart from God. It is a journey that will end in the presence of God Himself!
By the way, I had my hair cut today ...
The other reason I decided to start writing here is because no matter where I am in the world as long as there is an Internet connection I will have my journal at the tip of my fingers ... literally.
I have no plan as to what I might write, how I might write it or if it will even be chronological. I am OCD so I think I would tend to a chronological, diary type format. The problem is that for it to be truly in life order then there would have to be a beginning. Well, the obvious beginning would be 24 October 1968, but I am not going to be like Chunk in the movie the Goonies and go back and tell every little naughty thing I've done. I'm not saying a few of these details won't come out here and there, but they will be completely random.
I'll conclude this introduction by at least giving a brief description of the title of my blog "A Journey from Samson to Silas."
I have attempted to grow my hair long, long, long 3 times in my adult life. The first time was in 1993 after I had been medically discharged from the Navy. Watching the dream that I had for 10 years fall apart was a low point. My life no longer had direction so I withdrew into internal rebellion. Long hair is commonly an outward way of expression rebellion. I think I grew it for about 10 months before cutting it off. Mary Bennet didn't like it. She and my move to Macon were the main reasons for cutting it back.
The second time the hair began to grow was in 2004 when my business was at its zenith and so was my arrogance and boastfulness. So vain and foolish was I, but many people complemented me on such a fine "flow" of hair. 10 months or so was again the time frame before I had it cut. Mary Bennet couldn't stand it! She was the only reason it came off.
The most recent attempt at long hair started in May 2008. Rebellion was once again the motive. The wheels were coming off and my life was falling apart. My self-confidence was extremely low and I was obviously searching , stretching more appropriately, for something to raise it. It was at this same time that I began to completely withdraw into myself and begin an all out sprint to self-destruction. I knew Mary Bennet would again not like my hair long and this time I didn't care.
Well, the past 10 months or so have resulted in my life coming to the bring of utter destruction (including my marriage) followed by spiritual transformation and the beginnings of restoration as the result of intense suffering. I don't think I could have made it through this time of suffering without the help of other brothers and sisters in Christ. God can do all things, and I believe His favorite and most loved tools are the ones He created in His own image ... there is no "I" or "me" in Jesus, only "US!" As this has become evident I realized that in the past I have either wanted to do everything by myself or as a last resort only cried out for God to help in extreme situations. He has obviously carried me along and tolerated my arrogance and defiance for a purpose. I believe He is revealing to me the extreme importance that He places on brotherhood.
A friend recently suggested I read a book by Nate Larkin entitled "Samson and the Pirate Monks." It is a story of Nate and other men's struggles with coming to the same conclusion that true and authentic brotherhood is the key to surviving as a Christian in this fallen world. The story of Samson that I tell my 5 - 6 year old Sunday Schoo class is one of a strong and mighty judge that delivered the people of the Lord from their enemies. In reality, the story of Samson is one of extreme tragedy, but a story all too often paralleled by men of today. Samson was very arrogant and prideful. Samson had an extremely bad problem with women. Samson was a loner. In the bible it is recorded that Samson only spoke to God on two occasions. In Judges 15:18 it states that he "cried out to the Lord" because he was thirsty. I scarcely call this a prayer, but he was asking God to help him. Only on one other occasion does the bible state he spoke to God and that was at the very end in Judges 16:28 when it is written, Then Samson prayed to the Lord, “Sovereign Lord, remember me again. O God, please strengthen me just one more time." Ironically, the verse preceding his final plea was the ONLY recorded instance that Samson ever asked anyone on this earth for help. Samson said to the young servant who was leading him by the hand, “Place my hands against the pillars that hold up the temple. I want to rest against them.”
I no longer want to be like Samson. I am weary of feeling isolated and alone. I want to pray to God continually and seek out companionship and brotherhood with fellow Christians. As Nate Larkin describes in his book, I want to find a Silas to walk with me and I want to be a Silas to walk with someone else. Together we will share in the glory of the Lord that exists in and around all sufferings.
So, that is why I have entitled this blog "A Journey from Samson to Silas." It is a journey that began in the ruins of a failed attempt at life alone and apart from God. It is a journey that will end in the presence of God Himself!
By the way, I had my hair cut today ...
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